Let Go

I can't believe Avril Lavigne's Let Go album is already 20 years old! Time flies really fast! The album came out year 2002 when I was only 12 years old. That time, I wasn't really into that type of music yet. I discovered Avril's music when I was in 2nd year high school and I instantly fell in love with her and her music.

This particular album is my favorite because it became the soundtrack of my teenage years! The tracks included in this album resonated with me and I believe that during my high school years, the lyrics are specifically written for me! Hahaha! When I think about it, I realize that I miss my Avril Lavigne's fan girl era, when being a fangirl took a lot of effort! 

I remember listening patiently on the radio waiting for a caller to request Complicated just so I could record it, hoping that the DJ won't talk while the song was playing. I need to record it on a blank cassette tape because I couldn't afford Avril's CD. Bente pesos lang kasi ang baon ko araw-araw. There were times when I saved money so I'll have money to buy "song hits" where Avril's songs were featured and may centerfold poster siya. We didn't have internet back then that's why I need to go to the computer shop to watch her music videos on Youtube. I waited patiently hoping to watch her MVs on Studio 23's MYX. Haaaaayyyy... Those were the days! 😂

Every track in this album has a special place in my teenage heart. It helped me get through the hard times of high school. And Avril, I will be forever thankful that I became one of your Black Stars! ★

Happy 20th birthday, Let Go!!! ☺️

An update

I don't know how to start this post so let me just start off by saying "I miss you!" It's almost a year since I bought my own domain and posted here. Looking back, I remember the feeling of being so excited about this new journey of online journaling but then life happened and fucked me up in so many different and terrible ways. (Sorry for swearing, I can't think of any clean words to express my feelings.)

This post is some sort of "life lately" update though I'm not sure if anyone cared enough to read my blog. But, ugh, I'm doing this for my self. I don't care if there is only me in here.

So about what I said that life fucked me up in so many different and terrible ways? Well, it's true. I cried a lot of tears and got my heart broken last year 2021. And I am still broken hearted now. Why, you ask. Hmmm, maybe some other time I'm going to talk about it. My heart is not ready. 

What I really want to talk about is how I am keeping myself alive and my sanity intact despite all that. 

I rediscovered hobbies and interests I loved doing and I am so thankful for the free therapy they give me. In case you are wondering, no I am not talking about alcohol or drugs, but yes I am talking about reading books and listening to music. 

I've been starting to binge read again and drown my self with music and I am loving every bit of it. Yes, I am still a broken mess but it comforts me to know that instead of crying every day, I can always pick a book or put my earphones on. 

I want to talk about these 2 in detail so I'm going to make 2 different posts about them in the future. I really hope I can commit to posting though. But yeah, I'll try my best. Like I always do.

Ciao for now!

Mirror, Mirror On The Wall... Who's The Fairest Of Them All???

I used to hate every part of my body. I felt like I am the skinniest person in the whole world and there is nothing beautiful in me. I was blinded by the idea that “to be beautiful” means having bigger bust, wider hips, a perfect set of teeth, etc.

Yes, I was an insecure mess but today, I promised myself that I will love my self more. I choose NOT to be defined by my body weight. I am more than that! So what if I am skinny? So what if my legs are like sticks? So what if my bones are protruding? THIS IS ME. I am beautiful because I am ME! 

“To be beautiful” means “to be yourself.” Happy girls are the most beautiful girls. Don’t hide your scars! Behind every scar is a story – a story about pain and how you managed to get over it.

All shapes and sizes are beautiful. We don’t have to starve ourselves just to be like those models we see in the magazines. If you are skinny like me, do not hate yourself because of that. Instead, feel every bone. Every bone is a part of yourself. And that prominent spine? Be thankful because you literally have a spine!

Our flaws make us unique. They make us human. Remember what Cheri K. Erdman said, “Even the models we see in magazines wish they could look like their own images.”

To sum it up, I want to share this simple but beautiful poem:

Some Women by Bunny Ty

Some women color their lips red.

Not me, I like to color mine with good words instead.

Some women curl their lashes hard.

Not me, I want mine soft to catch my tears.

Some women need too blush their cheeks pink.

Not mine, mine blush by themselves when I’m tickled pink.

Some women close their eyes to show off their eye shadow.

Not me, I want mine open to see the world.

Some women take pains to pretty up their faces.

Not me, I would rather take pains in prettying up the world.

Some women think I look plain and dull without color on my face.

Not me, if you look hard enough you’ll see I am wearing a rainbow.

So today, I am not allowing anybody to call me ugly. And likewise, I am not allowing myself to call anybody ugly. From this day onward, I promise to see only beauty in everything. :)

An award for what???

NOTE: I accidentally opened by old tumblr account and I saw that I have 2 drafts. The first one was a book review and the second was about an unusual dream I had that I totally forgot about. I decided to share it here:

I was attending an awarding ceremony (it looked a lot like my clinical graduation) and I, myself, was one of the awardees. The facilitator asked us to form a line so that we can go up the stage properly and orderly. I was so excited to receive my award! I waited for my turn and when the emcee called my name, I walked up the stage gracefully (despite the fact that my feet hurt because of the high-heeled shoes I am wearing) and proudly with my head held up high, completely aware of my proud family watching me go up the stage. I was like, “This is it! This is the moment I’ve been waiting for!” As I finally reached the center of the stage, I realized that the person giving the awards was a student - a student younger than me. Her face wasn’t familiar but she was wearing our college’s uniform. Flashing my biggest smile, I met her at the center of the stage. She gave me my award. A certificate. I haven’t read about the citation but what caught my attention was the Tagalog words written along the edges of the certificate. Words like “mayabang”, “hindi makatao”, and “mayaman kasi” were written there, screaming to my face. I was shocked! WTF! Was this really my award? So, in a trying-to-be-calm voice, I asked the student,

Emotions

Controlling my emotions - one of the few things I am good at.

Ever since I was a kid, I already knew how to control my emotions. Especially anger and sadness. I don’t scream in a crowd when I’m angry. I don’t cry in front of people when I’m sad. Whenever I have these outburst of feelings, I quietly leave the crowd and find a private spot (bedroom, rest room, etc) where I can cry and curse without anyone noticing.

Some of my friends asked how, how do I manage to control my emotions? My answer to them is that I don’t want my emotions to rule over me. I don’t want to do things that I will regret after. I don’t want to hurt other people with the words that might come out of my mouth. I may be faking my emotions in front of people, smiling when I am on the verge of crying and keeping my cool when the truth is I just wanna punch people in the face but this is me. This is how I handle my emotions. I don’t want to leave permanent impressions because of my temporary emotions.